Hello. I'm Milana. I'm writing here as a way to try and capture every moment of this big occasion for me- entering therapy. I've been on the losing side of some serious mental blockades on my life, and my mom finally convinced me to talk to a professional. Tomorrow is my first session. I've never met my therapist, but the same group/company/flock of therapists at this office really helped out someone close to me, and so I feel pretty confident in their reliability. I'm pretty scared, though, anyway.
My mental problems are as follows: social anxiety, obsessive thoughts, inability to feel loved, deep overwhelming sadness, lack of motivation, fear of confrontation, insomnia, anger, irrational guilt, sensing irrationality in my actions but feeling unable to change, and the general sense that I could disappear and no one would care. I don't feel all of these at once, but they usually come in groups of two or three, and stay for a day or two, and then are replaced by others. I've forgotten what it feels like to be happy, sometimes. I'll define them in a bit more detail (as I feel them):
SOCIAL ANXIETY: In any given situation involving people, I feel like a third wheel. Even when I'm with someone alone, if they look at their phone or stop paying attention to me while I'm talking, something inside curls up inside and I feel like crying. When I'm with a group of people, it's even worse, because I will just fade away into the background.
OBSESSIVE THOUGHTS: These are more of an annoyance for the most part, but when combined with any of the above, they turn sharp as knives. With social anxiety (see how neatly I've named my demons?) my mind starts to obsess over every little detail of an encounter, even when it was positive and fun. Example: I go to a party, eat great food, talk to the guy I like, make a joke that the whole room laughs at, and leave feeling great. I get home, and my thoughts start circling in on the little mistakes. You shouldn't have eaten that much; now people will call you fat. Why did you tap him on the shoulder, I bet he hates you. That joke was really rude, and I bet you hurt Anon's feelings. Then again I feel like curling up and crying, and it limits my ability to enjoy myself- or even go to- another party.
INABILITY TO FEEL LOVED: As it says, I feel like no one loves me- or even likes me. People compliment me and I can only think they don't mean it, or they felt pity for me, or they were doing it to look nicer to other people. As with social anxiety, I just feel like a third wheel, even with my best friends (plus I feel like they don't really value our friendship the way I do- They're MY best friends, but I'm not theirs).
FEAR OF CONFRONTATION: Not only of people, but of ideas, talents, and new things. I'm scared of reaching out in fear that I'll be shoved back down. The few times I do reach out, they always seem to end this way. Also, college and schoolwork is scaring me, and I'm scared of getting a job (I've never had one), of moving away, of living by myself or with strangers who will probably hate me- you see?
IRRATIONAL GUILT: Basically, everything's my fault. And if it isn't, I'm still responsible because I'm not doing anything to fix it. Irrational- but constantly there.
THE REST are pretty self-explanatory.
So there I am. I'm a young white Christian middle-class female in the USA. And I am depressed.
I'll write tomorrow after my first meeting. We'll see how it goes. In the meantime, this is a good talk by a guy in my church. http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng You can watch the video or read the transcription below.
Good luck to you too, in dealing with whatever problems you may have in life.
(And by the way, I'm a fangirl- Superwholock, Disney, Les Mis- all the tumblrtalk stuff. Talk to me about that stuff if you like! I may put up my tumblr next time.)
